AIV recap, The Auditions/Hollywood

AIV recap, The Auditions/Hollywood

So the audition sites this year were as follows: Chicago, Denver, Greensboro (trying to rekindle that Clay and Fantasia magic), San Francisco (trying to rekindle that William Hung “magic”), Las Vegas (I was hoping for an Amanda Avila sighting, and don’t think that Mike Patterson and I aren’t going to be staking out Treasure Island at the NSM in a week…), Austin and Boston.

One of the things that really annoyed me about this year’s auditions was how they got all the bad singers to sing one particular song and then spliced snippets of the whole song together to make one really bad song. Personally, I don’t think it was clever or funny. Just a painfully bad song sung by embarrassingly bad singers. And what’s worse is that it’s pretty obvious that they weren’t going to make it through, yet they had them sing another song? Brutal. Just brutal. But I don’t blame the judges as much as the screeners. The screeners are really the heartless ones that are letting the bad singers through, fully knowing that they have about as much chance of getting through as the Niners have winning the Super Bowl next year.

So, I’m a bit behind this year so far. I just finished watching the episode where they named the 24 semi-finalists. I’ll go over all of them individually later in this recap.

And, here’s the kicker. I’ll be in Vegas next week for my national sales meeting and won’t be able to recap the first go around of semi-finalists. So, no recap next week. I know, it’s not starting out very well for me, but I hope to make it up to you…

So the bad ones from the auditions that stood out.

Rhonetta (sp?). She looked like Warren Sapp with a blonde wig on. Or Biz Markey with a wig on. Do you remember those beer commercials from the late ‘80s? The one where they were giving out free Bud Light/Miller Lite on “Ladies Night” and the guys were dressed in drag? That’s what Rhonetta looked like.

The Brittenum twins. Talk about your drama queens. They were like those people who try to read the thesaurus to use big words to make themselves appear smarter. But used them incorrectly and out of context. And they spoke so slowly and clearly because their wheels were spinning to think of a big word to use. It was like in “Friends” when Joey was writing that letter using a thesaurus and instead of signing “Joey,” he wrote “A Baby Kangaroo.” Those other twins were annoying too. They looked like Duane Martin, from “Above the Rim,” who really played hoops at NYU…

That annoying guy Dave who talked to the animals and somehow Paula and Randy put him through to Hollywood. He looked like the lead singer of “Men At Work,” complete with the wandering eye.

The kid who dressed in the tux and brought his homemade sign showing that he was the next American Idol, but really looked like one of the men from the Backstreet Boys.

That guy Derek Dupree from Chicago who tried to sing in like 5 different keys but was horrible in all of them. That guy had some issues.

I liked that kid that was the cowboy who had never been on a plane, but his Hollywood singing was atrocious. And I think that the other two “cowboys” weren’t really being sincere when they were comforting him. That kinda annoyed me.

How annoying was that one girl who switched groups, only to go back to the original group? And she looked like a cross between Saturday Night Live’s Maya Rudolph and “The Nanny” Fran Drescher.

Now, on to some blurbs on the 24 semi-finalists:

Ayla Brown – She’s the one who is supposed to be going to Boston College on a hoops scholarship. Well, she’s not on the team. I wonder if she had to redshirt or even not enroll in school because of the commitment that she’s going to have to make for AI. She looks like she could be Tom Brady’s kid sister, a la the All-American girl. But if I were her, I’d try AI. If she wins, she’ll be huge. If she opted for hoops, what is at the end of that rainbow? The WNBA? I don’t even think the women in the WNBA like the WNBA. And that’s just a summer job anyway. Most of the WNBAers also play overseas or have other means of income.

Becky O’Donohue – She was also a basketball player in college. She also played volleyball. And she’s pretty hot. I think she may be my Amanda Avila this year. Looking at her bio on idolonfox.com, she claims in her “What would people be surprised to learn about you?” question that “she has a 27” vertical and can post up anytime.” Nice! She lists Pat Benatar as her American Idol and that reminds me of Sirius radio. I just got a new car for work. Well, let me correct that. I just got a new mini-van for work. Yes, I have a mini-van. I’m now a soccer mom. And there is no console in between the front two seats, only a cargo net where you can hold things. To further my soccer mom image, I have a bag inside the cargo net to hold my stuff. You know, like lip gloss, foundation, Capri Suns, orange slices, etc. Anyway, the bag that I use is a Brighton bag. I don’t know how I chose that one (I guess it was the first one I grabbed from the closet), but how fitting is that? Back to Sirius radio. I LOVE the ‘80s station on Sirius radio. They actually have some of the original VJs from MTV hosting (Alan Hunter, Nina Blackwood, Martha Quinn, Mark Goodman). Although, invariably I always hear a lot of Journey, .38 Special and Pat Benatar on the station. I don’t think I can go a half an hour without hearing one of those. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining at all. I think that it was a rule that if you made a movie in the ‘80s about Spring Break and/or losing your virginity, they had to include a song by .38 Special. Gosh I’m writing a lot under Becky and not much about her. My last comment on her has to do with her audition. Becky has an identical twin Jessie, but Jessie just had some kind of voice surgery and could not audition. Do you remember her audition? When Becky was singing, Jessie was in the corner mouthing the words and simulating the movements to Becky’s performance. It was slightly creepy. Creepy like Amy Proehler’s character in “Mean Girls” when she played Rachel McAdams’ mom who was doing her daughter’s routine from the audience during the talent show.

Ace Young - Kinda looks like the guy from “Ed” (Tom Cavanagh), but with longer hair. He’s also played parts in “Jack and Bobby,” as the kids’ uncle, as JD’s brother in “Scrubs” and is now in his own show “Love Monkey.” Does anyone out there watch “Scrubs?” My wife can’t stand the show (mostly because of its sophomoric humor), but I love the show. My wife said he reminds her of Chris Klein (“Oz” from American Pie and used to date/maybe previously engaged to Katie Holmes). How weird is that Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise affair? I saw that maybe they’re done? And while she’s 7 months pregnant. Nice work Tom. Just go bash someone else and blame it on Scientology…

Bobby Bennett – I don’t remember this guy in the slightest from the auditions. But after seeing him on the last Hollywood show, he seems to be very jovial and very large. Worked for Ruben.

Brenna Gethers – She’s the one who blew off her group performance and is this year’s Mikaela. I already have a strong aversion to her. I mean, she’s kinda cute, but not cute enough to disregard all that attitude. I don’t think she’ll last that long.

Heather Cox – I really don’t remember her from the auditions. She’s cute, but we’ll have to see how she pans out. You know, last year the contestants that were voted off early blamed the fact that AI didn’t do any features on them so that’s why they didn’t receive any votes. I thought it was a lame excuse last year, but now that I think about it, there is some validity to it. On the first night, it should be an empty slate for everyone. Except it isn’t. I now agree that if you had a featurette done on you during the auditions, the public does know you more and in effect, you have some wiggle room if you don’t bring it on that first night. I understand that you have to sing well to get through, but if you’re a nobody (like Melinda and Jared last year) and don’t sing well, you may not get a second chance. And I always cringe when I see a feature done on a contestant because when he or she finally sings, it’s either really good or really bad. There’s no middle ground on this one. You get a feature done because you can get it done or because they are going to do you wrong. But also let it be noted that Kelly Clarkson really had no features done on her during the audition process and she’s been the most successful AI to date. As well as the Original one.

Bucky Covington – I don’t remember him from the auditions either. But his bio says that he has a twin brother. If we’ve learned anything from AI, it’s that twins will never succeed in this competition unless they are completely different or unless only one auditions.

Chris Daughtry – He’s the rocker. I like him. Nice story. Seems to scream a bit when he’s singing. We’ll see.

Katharine McPhee - She’s the girl whose mother is the voice coach. She has an amazing voice. If she has any type of charisma, I don’t think she’ll be matched vocally. But she’s so emotional. I think that she is going to go far, but there will be a trail of tears marking her journey. Trust me on that one.

Kellie Pickler - Kellie “Pick Me” Pickler. Cute girl. She can sing, but man has she had a hard life. Mother left her when she was 2. Dad in and out (mostly in) of prison all of her life. She’s got that Kelly Clarkson feel to her. Watching her through Hollywood, she’s very raw, as in no formal training. She seems to try to power through a lot of her songs and will probably be criticized heavily for that. For that reason, I don’t think that she’ll get too far because the level of her competition is pretty good and talented. But then again, America could really get behind her too. She really has a likeability to her.

David Radford – One of the crooners. He looks like he could be a Stanford student. Being that I’m a Cal guy, you’re probably wondering if that comment is good or bad. He looks like someone, but I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t think that he is going to last very long at all. He was not very impressive in Hollywood and I was surprised to see him make it through. I don’t dislike him though. Not yet, at least.

Elliot Yamin – My wife said that he looks like Seth Green (Scott Evil from the Austin Powers movies). I went one further and said he looked like Seth Green and Eminem, but only after he chewed glass to mess up his chicklets like that. He was pretty impressive in his auditions. He was in that group with one of the Brittenum twins that didn’t want to practice. He and Sway didn’t practice and still made it to the semis. Nice message to send to future contestants…

Kinnik Sky – Don’t remember her at all.

Lisa Tucker – The 16 year old girl from the Denver auditions. She had a great voice, but I’m a little worried that she has a little too much diva in her and I’m afraid she’ll turn Diana DiGarmo on me (because she was a child star and was named to Variety’s someone to watch). Turns out she was in The Lion King. She really reminds me of the girl that was in the Michael Jackson “The Way You Make Me Feel” video. Maybe it’s just the curly hair and tight dresses that she wears. And speaking of Wacko Jacko, we all knew he was a bit off in the ‘80s with his weird wardrobe and eccentric behavior, but did anyone think he was this odd? I was taking a class (CMR) on the Pharmaceutical Industry and pharmacists were originally those traveling salesmen hawking their elixirs out of a horse drawn carriage, like in the “Say Say Say” video that Michael and Paul McCartney did together. Now Paul doesn’t speak to Michael. Maybe that has to do with Jacko buying the rights to all the Beatles songs…

Gedeon McKinney – Is it me or does he look a little like Donovan McNabb? I don’t remember him too much from the auditions, but he sure was confident when he went up to the room to make it to the semi-finals. Jury is still out on him.

Jose “Sway” Penala – He looks like a family friend’s husband, but bald and squished down.. I guess I should be rooting for him because he’s a local boy from South City. We’ll see how Joe Sway does next week.

Mandisa – Here we go again. One name. Didn’t work for Trenyce. Man can she sing. But man, is she big. Like Aretha Franklin big. Like Ruben big. She’s got an amazing stage presence though. And she’s very spiritual and seems like a very good person. I think that she’s going to go pretty far in this competition.

Melissa McGhee – Don’t remember her at all from the auditions.

Kevin Covais – He looks like a cross between Clay Aiken and John “Red Finch” Stevens. But he probably falls somewhere in between them talent-wise. Seems like a nice kid and can sing a lot better than Finchy, but not near what Clay does. I don’t know how long he’ll last, but he seems like a nice kid.

Patrick Hall – Looks like a preppy Tony Hawk. He had a great line. Something about “I’m not as good looking as Ace, but then again, who is?” He seems fun, but also older and married. I don’t think that he’ll have too big of a following, unless he sings like an angel.

Paris Bennett - The granddaughter of the woman from “Sounds of Blackness.” People ask why is she in this competition because she must have some kind of hook up in the industry. But then again, there is some talk of AI planting some “ringers” to make their competition better. Who knows? I’m not complaining about the quality so far. And her speaking voice was sooooo annoying, but it’s completely different when she sings. She’s going to go far.

Stevie Scott – I don’t remember her much from the auditions. But she seems to have a classical background. Kinda reminds me of that Bulgarian girl who was from Seattle a few years back. Looks really Molly Ringwald-ish, circa Pretty in Pink. Not sure that’s a look that I’d be going for.

Taylor Hicks – Seriously, someone needs to check his ID. He looks and acts OLD. But I like him. Got a great tone to his voice. He looks like he’d be singing in one of those Bruce Willis “Seagram’s Golden Wine Coolers” commercials. Maybe he’s Michael McDonald’s son? I thought it was hilarious a few years back when they had Michael McDonald sing at the NBA All-Star Game. Honestly, that had to be for the fans, not the players, right? Like when they had Big and Rich perform too. You can’t tell me that any of the players knew who either of those guys were. I hope Taylor hangs around for a bit. I don’t think he’ll win, but he sure seems likeable.

Will Makar – Um, calling Kevin Arnold. Is Winnie Cooper in this competition too? He’s young, but has a surprisingly good voice. Good looking kid. Like Taylor (who looks like he can be Will’s dad), I hope he hangs around, but probably won’t win. And was anyone else crushed that Kevin didn’t end up marrying Winnie Cooper? I remember in the finale, he mentions that he met her at the train station/airport when she got back from someplace and he went there with his wife.

So, that’s it for now. I hope that I can get back in the swing of things pretty quickly here. I’m looking forward to this season. I hope you are too.